It was Nike. Of course it was. It was always Nike.
No matter how we could have possibly manipulated the rules of this tournament, it was essentially Nike vs the world.
The only question worth asking when it came down to predicting the finalists was “Well, who gets to lose to Nike?” Asking what logo could defeat Nike was akin to asking what three things you would bring to a deserted island. It’s an entertaining notion, but it’s not really a world you want to live in (My three things, by the way, are a guitar, a book on how to make beer on a deserted island, and a girl who has survival experience and also gets to bring three things, so she brings things that would actually help us survive this situation). Since the concept of this tournament, it’s boiled down to a month long coronation for Nike. Even my behind-the-scenes fraud and corruption (not that, that happened) could not prevent the manifest destiny that was The Swoosh being crowned the greatest logo of all-time.
Taking the inevitable Nike victory as a given, there was still a lot of drama in this tournament. A few of the storylines:
- The #1 seeded golden arches of McDonald’s could not escape the first round. Some may speculate this occured because they played hometown favorite, the Portland Trail Blazers (eROI is based in Portland, OR), but a theory I have that I can’t prove but you must accept is this: the fans probably went to McDonald’s feeling a bit peckish but not starving. They likely decided that they just wanted a burger, or maybe a couple of chicken nuggets, and maybe a little bit of fries and a drink, but not so much they would have a tummy-ache later. You know, just enough to get them through the next few hours to dinner, as not to be irritable throughout the day. “Actually, hey, a Happy Meal would probably hit the spot! Oh man! They have Hot Wheel toys today? Hell yes,” they could have decided. So they theoretically ordered and waited patiently in line, and as they drove away, they opened their happy meals and found that their toy was not included. “Where’s my Hot Wheels car, dammit?!” the fans surely shouted in their cars, having already left the drive-thru and deciding it’s not worth it to go inside and ask for a toy, choosing instead to sulk the rest of the day, perhaps. “They ruined my life and I’m never going again,” the fans probably thought to themselves later.
- What was I talking about?
- Oh yeah, compelling story-lines.
- #11 seed NBC made it all the way to the Final Four, losing to the champion by birthright. This underdog going this far was surprising to some, confusing to others, and completely irrelevant and impertinent to everyone that is completely oblivious to this entire tournament. Go Peacocks!
- The corresponding teams of Logo Madness to the NCAA Men’s Tournament would have meant a Final Four of Louisville, Belmont, UCLA and UNLV, with Louisville beating UCLA in the finals. So, it would have been about as good as 90% of the brackets filled out this year.
So there you have it. the unanimous favorite Nike wins the finals in dominant fashion just like Louisville won on Monday, and now we have no sports events in the near future to concoct silly brand parodies of. The Kentucky Derby is in the first weekend of May, maybe we’ll figure something out for that.
In case you missed it, here are the previous entries in the series.
This is Logo Madness, an introduction
Round 1 results, an unprecedented upset occurs
Round 2 results, Jack Donaghy answers a phone call.
Round 3 results, we eulogize Amazon
Round 4 results, the quarter-finals
Round 5 results, Nike vs NBC, Google vs Olympics